it's time.

Honestly, 

I think, it's time to tell you, how I became who I am today. I'm all about life in this moment. So here it goes: 

At a young age, I developed a strong bond with my mom. There was no topic off bounds ( I asked about everything), I could tell her all my secrets, gossip, and pat my tears in her arms. I knew, that this person is my rock. She is the foundation to which other rocks can form over and build. Thus, our relationship is pretty solid. I mean, I went through a seventeen year old stage where things were a bit rocky. Man, I'm on a rolllllll todaaaaaay! 


So, seriously. I recommend, no matter how old you are reading this. That you talk to your mom. No matter what. And because of that relationship, I feel like I make the same bonds and relationships with other people. It's open, honest, non judgmental, unconditional, and caring. 

Unfortunately, I'm human. And not a superhero that my mind leads me to believe. I make mistakes, bad decisions, and so forth. I gotta learn somehow. I've made the wrong kind of friends who knew they could use me because I'm a people person. Then I cared soo much how people felt towards me. I didn't care if they were Led Zep or the devil, I just wanted them to like me, so I did good Samaritan acts for them. Like drive, everywhere. Pitch in, all the time. Be stupid messenger for petty high school fights between friends.

In lots of areas of my life, I lost myself on whatever path I was on. Which isn't bad. I learned a lot, even from my mom, whom was mostly right about things I was stubborn about. Remember that guy I fooled around with who had a gf? Well...she was right about him. So was my guy friend who told me "He only like chicks he can fuck?". And when I didnt hear from said person...it clicked. If only I just listened like my mom did when I was young. She knew. She knew what I was going through. And she listened anyways. 

So I have my mom and dad to thank for lots of times they grabbed my hand and or sat me down and told me to "get my shit together." And so, I did. I'm thankful I did. That extra push lead me to my now happy life, happy relationships that aren't easy, and growing, happy self. The way they raised me had some holes, but when I'm a mom, I'll patch those up for my kids. I know they love each other, and want us to be a family. They have marriage issues, but so does everyones parents. 

When I finally followed my heart, it lead me to let go of control. I let my close friend of 2.5 years kiss me. I hesitated at first being caught in a "what if it doesn't work" scenario. I am a girl remember, we just always over think. And then I let go of that. Really, this was his moment. A very very shy man, admitted he had feelings for me ( not to long ago before the kiss) and that took a lot out of him to do. This is his moment, and although he wants to share it with me. I found myself with no thoughts just....fireworks. I liked him as a friend, then as a person, and somehow without myself really knowing, I let him in and gave him my trust. Something that was pretty beaten up over a long period of time. So, the foundation now has a few good layers to it. And this amazing boyfriend of mine has the final layer. Also, without even knowing, he smashed all of my walls down. Almost like, from the inside, which one on bothered trying. Inception worthy...or something awesome. And now that I believe "there's really something great here," i know there is. Naturally, i've grown to be quite fond of him. And I kinda miss being in his arms right about now. 

Being open, honest, go with the flow, and shameless. Took...time.  I changed slowly over the years but more dramatically over the past year and a half. I kept the people I love closer and the negative people at a far distance. I truly began to love myself. Even after being told in high school that I'm too ugly to get a boyfriend. That happened once. And once was enough for me to never forget. It's like. A first boyfriend. And I'll leave it at that. I let go of caring about what people thought or felt towards me. Said, "Fuck them" to whoever dared judged me or called me something I'm not. I stopped letting people walk all over me. And found someone who wanted to TRULY do things for me because he wants to not because he needs to. I opened my eyes to a world that's a bit more happy, relaxed, and exciting. Then staying at home all day and night...and over think my past. I let it all go. I let myself finally out for the world to see. 

I've gotten out of some dark holes in the past. obviously, i'm a young lady and I can't rely on others ( all the time) or my parents to pull me out of them. I've been on a long journey of self discovery and a couple times I've had some melt downs. 

However, I know how strong I am. That I'm loved. Cared for. Thought about. Wanted. Needed. And enough for whoever. 

I can say that life's a battle and sometimes you gotta get through it guns blazing. When I was at my low, there was always a light the size of a pin hole tellin me to keep it together. Keep walking. So I did. I know this may sound cocky and overly confident. Even narcissistic. But...I don't care. I know that if I weren't to wake up tomorrow. I'd be missed. I wouldn't want to miss a day without hugging and kissing my boyfriend. or chattin with my parents. hanging out with my friends. So I'm lucky I turned out pretty great. And I got the stories to prove it. 

I just wish. and share my voice. and be heard. That mental health should be talked about more. Awareness is key. There are people suffering and they don't even know what step to take next. I advise you to take a step...any step. and not take your life. To talk to your doctor. mom. dad. sister. uncle. grandma. anyone. There's a kids help line open 24/7. Social media. People willing to help. And to be clear. People with mental health problems aren't bad people. Often all it takes is an intervention, an individualized life plan etc, support, and guidance. Be that support. Be there...no matter what. 


with that being said. I am under deep consideration of creating an e-mail account for questions and answer purposes. Serious or not. I'd try to get back on a timely manor. But...I won't set up an account unless my audience is behind me. So leave a comment or share this blog post. And depending on the response then well anything is possible. 

Have yourselves a splendid night. Imma get back to this song...

Be in my eyes....be in my heart...be in my eyes ay ay ayiyayay...be in my heart...

Challenge: ( name the artist, song, band, album?) ^^^
(( I know you will cheat !!!)) G'night.