connected to the sound.

Honestly,

Everyone has their own battles, journeys, and adventures. No one person is the same, and it would be a bit boring if we all were. So I have no problem talking about my past, present or future. And lately I've been reflecting lots and lots about my past. Nothing bad. Just how I got to where I am. And all the obstacles, self discoveries etc. 

One of the many hurdles I have come to climb over with time, was being diagnosed with mild Central Auditory Processing Disorder. It's a learning disorder. This is where my ears ( one is better then the other) don't connect well with my brain. So, my headphones have a fray wire and my brain sometimes hears and only concentrates on the fuzziness and not the sound. Which is not what the brain should be concentrating. To understand the sound, it has to be completely focused. 

You could imagine what school was like for me. Missing out on something that the teacher said and thus not understanding an important part to a problem, for an example. However, technology has progressed enough to give me a little, spy like ear piece, and the teacher a fm system with a microphone. This was so what he/ she was saying connects 100 % to my brain. So I can fully understand. Man, that little ear piece made me look so cool. And saved my parents money on a tutor ( who was great) ever since grade 3 to grade 8. I even went to a learning center before that.  

Sometimes school was frustrating, when I didn't get something, or when I had so much homework that it was all overwhelming. But I kept pushing through. I didn't want, what I had to define me. I didn't want special treatment, but I needed it. Some of the symptoms of this is being unorganized, forgetting, unfocused, etc. Which I was. However, since I know what I have. It made it easier to overcome. Thanks to my super duper clean mom, I'm always organized. And since I'm still a bit forgetful, I constantly remind myself, write things down, or keep a calendar etc. The forgetfulness sucked in college when paired with procrastination ( a bad habit I picked up). I didn't think I needed the extra help in lectures because sometimes we'd be in a lecture hall. At Sheridan College at the Trafalgar campus, rooms where equipped nicely with microphones and speakers. Teachers spoke clearly and loudly. Students where there on their own bill or their parents, so they had to focus and shut up. If there was the "class clown" he/she didn't last long in the course. Early Childhood Education was also something I was very interested in at an early age. I'm lucky to know what or who I wanted to be when I grew up. 

As for being unfocused, hell. Facebook didn't help matters. I could just sit there for the whole class, lurk facebook, and have a bunch of windows opened at once. However, it isn't facebook's fault. Like I said, I procrastinated. It wasn't CAPD, It was my own damn fault. Which resulted in fair punishment, prohibition, and failing two classes. And I made up all my courses of course. But it sucked not graduating with my class. Although, now I'm scared to procrastinate too much. 

What made things better for me growing up was that I didn't get bullied for being different. There were awesome perks of over hearing teachers yell at kids in the hall and hearing those kids ( class clowns) cry. I know that sounds mean. But it was kinda funny. They were boys. crying. For getting in trouble. So I'm lucky I wasn't picked on. I was though pretty hard on myself to fit in that much more. I did care what people thought or felt. And I guess I tried over compensating like pretending to be good at gym or drama. And no offense but it really ain't that hard to do well in those subjects. Well, ok...Drama class pushed me to be myself and be ok with that. 

The drama teacher always said in high school: "Just remember we aren't laughing at you. But your character." And it didn't click and set in until after I totally sucked at that class. I mean hey! It was a blast! I felt like I could be myself and they'd only laugh at my "character". After that experience (grade 9) I totally left my sheltered cage. I was more myself, energetic, happy, obnoxious, crazy, weird and a bit of a rebel. Only in the sense that I believed I was an awesome person. So, in return my confidence was boosted. I participated more in class, listened and took better notes and care of them. I tried. hard. And I never failed a high school class. I barely skipped. Even when some kids skipped school mass. Ya, I went to a catholic high school, with uniforms and all. I ditched the fm system and ear piece in grade 10. I made friends with the resources teachers, and they still helped me a little when the teacher was busy. They are saints. In addition, academically everything was working out for me. I didn't want to stand out...I wanted to blend in. I guess I did.

Then literally I did. And didn't like it. For most of grade 11 and 12 I was a bit of a loner. But when one of your friends tells you that "You're to ugly to get a boyfriend." I guess I bullied myself. You see. CAPD is also linked to other mild/minor genetic disorders. Not to long after my first diagnosis, I was diagnosed with etcodermial dysplasia and another really large word that relates to gentics. My dentist noticed my predominate bottom jaw, and that I had baby teeth still. At..what was it...13 or 14. So ectodermal dysplasia on the whole, is missing teeth (14), thin hair, nails don't grow that fast or hair, decreased sweat glands etc. (source:http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002440/)

So, with that being said. My hair back then was uncontrollable. It couldn't make up it's mind. It was curly, kinky, straight and frizzy. I had glasses (then eye contacts) and I didn't sweat much. Still don't. Braces in grade 11. And remember? I cared what people thought. I cared what I looked like. When my ex friend said that to me, I believed her. In grade 11 and 12, however, I said "fuck it!". I'm awesome just the way I am and if no one can handle it, then they can fuck the fuck fuck off. I had this huge crush on the tight end of the senior football team. I even asked him to the winter semi formal. His friend tried to tell me he had a girlfriend. But I knew he was trying to get out of dancing with me because of what his friends would think. Although, he did write me a nice facebook message saying "You're different. And thats cool. You're a great girl.."which helped. I mean he was so hot. Now...who knows. I moved on. But I liked him and went around it the wrong way. I was trying to be "cool" and pretend to be their friends. I tried way to hard. And mom says, "If he doesn't make the effort to talk to you..then he's not into you." So I took that and ran with it. Mom's wise. 

I moved on from being so hard on myself. I accepted who I am and that I had a learning disorder and some messed up genetics. Hey! it's all good. I turned out not to shabby! Really, it helped that everyone was so supportive of me then. I still have some great friends from elementary school, and a great boyfriend. He was bullied. He's my hero. 

I had my braces for 4 years. 
I then had jaw surgery. Where they broke both jaws and reformatted them to fit better. 
I got some baby teeth pulled out, and posts for fake teeth to go on. 
I had minor surgery where bone graft screws started to stick out of my gums on the upper jaw. I went through my ortho-surgeon freezing my mouth, cutting my gum open, putting all his weight on the screw driver, and twisting the screw out of me. All that three times. Hey. It's not bad when they freeze your mouth. Can't feel a thing. But I was fully aware of what he was doing. Then again. If i could go through eating out of a syringe when my jaw was wired shut after jaw surgery. I could do anything. Thank you mom for high pain tolerance! 

I got temporary dentures so it looks like i got a full mouth of sparkly teeth. But really, i have gaps, and posts. And now my mouth is all healed up and ready for posts to go on the top of my mouth (surgeries this march 20th). I get to be on a liquid diet, doctors orders. Ice cream and soup! I need some more bone ( bone grafts) on my bottoms, and a couple posts need to be replaced cause they didn't catch onto the bone. Even then, after all this, a possible gum surgery on my tops, and veneers. Crazy right. 

I always get: Why go through all that? Don't you think you look pretty enough as it is? Well. If you had the option and finances. (also apart of the cleft and palate program at sick kids) Then ya, I'd not pass up that option. And it's not about looks really. I'm going to be 60 with an amazing smile! 

It's interesting when people tell me they need their wisdom teeth out. How painful it was etc. I always say, "I wish I actually had  wisdom teeth..." as a joke. But hey, I don't regret a single thing. This whole process really did help with my self confidence and self esteem. Not that it was terribly low. Just...makes you appreciate things. Be grateful. Lucky. Love myself. enjoy life and what it has to offer. Until the dreadful day I'll have to replace my fake teeth with new ones in 12 years...per tooth...ridiculou!  Hopefully my hubby and I get good benefits haha. Anyways...

I tried reaching out. A little sad about the 0 emails. But maybe I lost focus on what this is about. I'm doin this for me. Meh, I tried. However, if you do want to share with me your experiences, you know where to reach me. 

I smell scallop potatoes. 

FAREWELL DUDES xoxox