The thing about showers

Honestly,

Showers are great.

The other night, I was singing in my shower, dancing a little, and acting a fool. When all of the sudden...I start to cry. 

I slowly bend down and sit in my tub. I think, "God damn you Katy Perry". And reflect on all the heavy stuff going on. 

It's been a painful month. The shower drowns out the crying, soaks up my tears, and the hot water calms me down as it trickles down my curled up body, rocking back and forth, and then down the drain. Symbolic, actually. 

However, the bad shit just doesn't want to move on. It latches onto me like a leach. And there's nothing I can do about it. Until my parents figure things out. Really, their problems aren't mine. But...they are.

My family is ripping a part. It's out of my control what happens in the future. Although just this once. I'd go back in life. And fix my parents. Make sure my mom fought my dad on all the shit she let go. Make sure my dad could control his drinking...or maybe not drink at all. And it'd be nice if my fairy god mother waved her wand at me and made me into a princess. I guess..."you can't always get what you want...but you get what you need." 

What I needed was that shower. The water was kinda like a hug. The music was like someone whispering in my ear, "its going to be ok." And I know it will be. But even the strong, optimistic, happy people, fall. I sat there for about 20 minutes. Turned off the water. grabbed my towel. And sat on the carpet leaning up against the tub. I stayed there until my hair was dry, hands were pruned, and tears were gone.

It seems though. The tears are never really gone. I never should have went to the movie "Safe Haven" alone. Sorry to spoil but one of the characters is a raging, angry, alcoholic and it hit very close to home. Made me doubt there was love like depicted in the movie. Made me scared. Made me think. And be inspired. 

But do you wanna know what made me stand up after sitting for two hours after my shower?

I kept pushing myself to stand up. I went against what I wanted, which was to curl up there, naked, wrapped up in a towel, and pretend I was someone/ somewhere else. I told myself it could be worse. That there is real true love. And that eventually my parents are going to be happy, together or not. I'll be happier. That I'm awesome, beautiful, funny, smart, outgoing, and crazy cool. That I can't fix or control my parents marriage. It's not my fault. And that...it's ok to have a good cry. 

I stood up. Took a deep breathe in and out. And found myself again. 

Cause showers...just....do that. Its fucking weird. 

But I love it !