endings become new beginnings

Honestly,

Things end.

And it's ok.

To begin, I first want to disclose that in order for me to even begin talking/ writing about this I had to take a break from everything. A clear head and clear persepective become meaningful writing.

A two month relationship is still a relationship no matter how new it is. So needless to say it ended. I ended it. We were dating, it was exciting, new, fun, fresh, and I felt like I was finally in the right type of relationship. One with trust, honesty, and communication. However, knowing myself, and how I easily fall for guys. I could not hide this from him. He just...knew. The weakeness of wearing your enormous heart on your selve is that you become vulnerable. All your emotions are exposed like you are a bird being observed in the wild. Like....an....eagle. Or something cool. I knew that if I controlled how I felt, one day I would just blurt it out. I knew it was way to early to confess those feelings and I did not want to scare him. Clearly, I did.

One would think that the one scared of such feelings would break it off. And I was scared he would leave me. Why am I always scared of guys leaving me...

I guess it is a transitional fear from my mom. She was previously married before my dad and her first husband cheated on her. So I get why she would be in fear of my dad leaving her. But why me. Why do I always feel that way. And I really had to think about this. I realize everyone feels this in one way or the other. When you love someone you want them to just be with you and be happy. The last thing you want is for him or her to break up with you and leave you to pick up all the broken pieces. So maybe I am right in feeling the way I did. All I know is this, when you have something great, you do not want to let it go. Only until you absolutley must.

All relationships hit roadbumps, no relationship, boyfriend, girlfrien, fuck buddy, friend with benifts etc. is perfect. YOU will fight. YOU will have conflict. YOU will sleep with her and she WILL get attached. It is just science. It is how girls deal with that experience. I am not trying to be sexist here but this is a fact. Girls deal with that experience differently then boys. Its ok. I get it. I understand. If I am wrong, then I am wrong, maybe it is just me. From my experience once you experience that level of intmacy your relationship changes and thus a new connection forms. You canèt go back before you had sex it is unchangeable. And then to possibly have high expectations or think what about me. Well. I try not to. I tried not to have those feelings, wants, or expectations. Love. My love that I offer is a forever love. And not for all my relationships but generally unconditionally. I go all in, put everything into it, and I try to dial it back. Sometimes that works, depends on the type of relationship, commitment, etc. If we are talking about a boyfriend then I consider that serious, so why half ass it...I just dont or cant. My heart always wants more and wont settle for anything less. Believe me I dont ever want to rush things. It just happens. And with most things you got to learn to try not to have high expectations. I really try to expect the unexpected. People just disapoint you. They make mistakes. And that is something I have learned to accept. I do the same. With life you gotta live in the moment. Roll with the punches. Have a good outlook on life. And not sweat the little stuff.

So ok, I admitt I had long term plans for this new relationship I was in. Is that a crimeÉ ( damn you key board supposed to be a question mark). I do not think it is. I admitt not the greatest thing to do. I cant help but be curious about the future. But one would think that if this was a problem minus hurt feelings they would tell the other. Relationships are like dance partners. One is generally the leader and the other goes with the flow. If there is balance then they are comfortable in doing both roles.If there is a problem they stop, talk about it, and change something. It is called team work. If one is doing all the comunicating the other is just like, what dafuq! If one wants something else then the other it is like a big mess of stepping on toes, getting annoyed, angry, stressed, and then one or both gives up.

Avoiding conflict is probably the worst. I get it one does not want to hurt the other or break the others heart. Fuck its human to feel that way or not want that. I have learned that trying to control the invietable is like trying to tell the weather with my boobs. Ya I went there with a Mean Girls reference. Ha ha ha. Like Ontario spring this year. One day its humid out and the other its snowing. As much as meterologists try to be on point about it, shit happens.

And to top it all off it was not easy breaking up with someone. It never is. My mom would say that it is easier to be dumped then to do the dumping. And I could not agree more with her. If someone avoids you or does not talk to you for a week. Mind you the week before he goes to Prauge. Does not come to visit you after you had nine teeth implant surgery, and instead gets intoxicated until 7 am in the morning the day he plans on visiting you. Then what makes one think that things like that wont happen again. If yes, worse down the line. Why put up with that. Why put yourself through that. We both know now more then ever that you deserve better then that. Deserve better then him. Why continue loving someone who doesnt want to love or is too scared to let you in. Why make excuses for that behaviour. You sit back, you debate with yourself if this is worth it. Worth the pain that you feel. Worth how he makes you feel. Worth this kind of love. And at the end of the day all you can tell yourself is that you tried. You gave someone the chance to explore, learn, and like you for you. I believe he did try, he did like me for all that I am. And thank you for that, even though I know you will probably never read this. I believe he is as great as all of our friends say. If you knew that you could not emotionally or mentally handle a relationship like the one I thought he wanted. Theres a time and place to sit one down and have that conversation. Its a coward move to wait...wait...wait some more until the other gives up. I will let go. I will move on. I will be single. And I know that everything eventually will be ok. But it wasnt ok. It hasnt been ok. I am not ok. However, I will be ok one day. Maybe one day we will be friends. I just cant dwell on the past. Ive done that for too long with other things and I wont let this hold me back. You live and you learn right. Right.  

So where do I go from here. Who knows. I got a summer full of concerts to see, A 5K run, a pool, an earth to explore, and there is no telling...litterally no telling what will happen. Again. Controlling the invietable is just plain impossible.

In light of everything I applied for a new job position at my work. It is a four month contract but it will be full time. I can not contain my excitement for this. Save save save ! But obviously as I say this I just bought tickets for a concert this friday! The classified! Opps. te he he.

Until the next honest thing pops into my head...
Take care !
Get off yo ass and do something!