believe it.

Honestly, 

I'm the Taylor Swift of blogging. 

And I don't give a care. There are no shits given on this day. And it's not looking good for the future either. 

This...this...right here is my diary. This is as raw, real, and crazy as it gets. By now, if you've been following me you know how my relationships with guys go. It's hit and miss. With that being said. I'm single. We all go through those moments where you want someone awesome next to you in your bed. You miss waking up in someone's arms. You miss breakfast and everything else in between. But being single is a choice, my choice, it has it's ups and downs, perks and cons, ect. It means that I'm not ready for anything serious cause as much as i'm a believer in putting everything i have on the line for a special dude ( even like this blog), i'm still in fear of the obvious. No one wants to get hurt, but it happens. Although it could be avoided with honesty, open communication, trust, and respect. It's just a reminder to be careful and mindful. To take what i've learned, what I know, what i've experienced, and keep walking on. Something great will stop me and we'll go through the cycle of new and exciting all over again. 

So I made the mistake of going back and reading what I've written on here. It brought out some insecurities of me over analyzing ( as usual) that  i'm obsessed, desperate, and in love with love. And then I got writers block. And well after that I joined some dating sites. 

From doing that I've learned quickly what sites are useful and genuine. And what sites to avoid. However, no...I didn't pay for any of the services. Quite frankly, if I had the money I would. And I'm working full time, if that doesn't tell you something, i dont know what will. I also have a travel fund that was wiped clean since my Alberta trip, and I got the travel bug. Bite me.

 So maybe it wasn't the full true experience? But it opened my eyes for sure. I narrowed it down to OKcupid. My profile is 100% who I am and I added in I write a blog. So some of the messages I've been receiving have been pretty amazing. Guys whom actually seem interested. Write me detailed messages, some blown away that i'm even single. Very flattered thanks. So really that means, shit she's either amazing and my fellow sex is blind, or shit she has issues. hahaha. Who doesn't?! But thanks for the compliment. Ok I'm a little ...kinda....sorta...a big deal. Ok sorry. let's bring my ego down. Confidence just comes out and says hello and gets carried away. 

In addition, since i've mentioned about the blog writting. I've had guys super curious about what I write. And well. I went back and read my posts to try and grasp exactly what I do. I do me. But what they read is my ups and downs with dudes. It seems like I get around. Which. Sorry i don't. And shit I shouldn't have read back on that. A lot can change. I hit a dry spell. Pun indended. I'm cool with it. Silence is nice. hahahaha. I can write about other things, I'm in the know! 

So now that I got that out of the way. Beating my insecurities one bad villian at a time. Now. I can get to the good stuff. Back to being a Taylor Swift. And owning it just like her. Cause lemme just finish...Preach! She's done freaking well for herself. She's not that older then me....and she has mansions. Platinum albums. Awkward cute dancing. She doesnt have parents telling her she cant play sports cause it will ruin her metal mouth. That's my parents. Will I play beach volleyball anyway...uh hell ya. She writes her feelings, she sings about dudes and she does her own thing. And I clearly can relate to that. Am I still critical of some of her work? Yup. Do I have critics? Yup. People on Youtube are just mean. The reality is....1 person loves you and 10 people hate you. Thank you Avril. And I'm here to tell you...IF YOU CANT TAKE THE HEAT GET OUTTA THE KITCHEN. 


Dear S

You know which one you are. 

Girl. We've grown up together. You moved away. We lost touch a bit. And then this past New Years Eve we've picked up were we left off. You complete the trio of S. Me, the other S, and you. There is no trio without you. And honestly. I had no idea you even knew about my blog. I had no clue you've watched my dance videos. I mean I put it out there. Post on twitter and my link is in my instagram name. But shit. No one pays attention...then all of then sudden. "Ya you're stuff is amazing." My god, exactly what I needed to hear. Especially from my best friend whom I look up to and call you a sister. Then to know that you love them. Man that gave me the biggest pat on the back. Having you and the other S read out some of the words I've written the other week. Laughing and loving it. Made me feel like I'm on top of the world. Solidified that what I do on here, means something, and actually has value. So, because I know you're gonna read this...And I hope you come back to this whenever you want. This one's for you. ( other s, I haven't gotten to you yet but I will, sit tight kitty). 


S.

You are an amazing person. And every time you beat yourself up about the way you look, it kills me. I know you don't believe it yet, but you are beautiful, inside and outside. And If I have to repeat this over and over and over to you. I will. Until you get it. Until you see what the ones who love you see. Someone who has a huge heart, who's shy, down to earth, funny, the light in a room, and always up for an adventure. Someone I know will be there for me no matter what, right, wrong, good, bad, sick etc. Someone who is smart and compassionate. You've been through a bit in your life. Probably more bumps in the road then I've yet to experience. And yet here you are, stronger then ever. 

I know you've had to deal with things that I couldn't even begin to understand. You held yourself together when it felt impossible. You're the rock in your family. Kim is so lucky to have you as a daughter. I know it was rough for a few months with your mom. And yet she pulled through. She made it. She beat it. And it took an army but it started with her family. You never gave up hope. It was hard watching you all go through that. It was hard seeing someone whom I've come to know as another mom, a close family member, and friend, go through all of that. Saying I love you when I drove away, wondering if it would be the last time. She always had a smile on her face. The same smile I know you have too. 

You are more then enough. You are exactly what a best friend is. And when you ask me to be honest with you. If you look ugly, fat, gross...I can't. You aren't those things. And you know I can't lie. I'm too honest. I wish you could see what I see. I wish I could smack it out of you sometimes. And even then it may not do enough. It's something that you have to believe on your own. It's something you have to teach yourself and remind yourself, good days and bad days.


Hey. I know you look up to me. I know that you see me as self confident, high self esteem, don't give a shit what others say about me, do what I want, dress how I want, and nothing holds me back. But it wasn't always that way. I guess it kills me inside when you're hard on yourself, because so was I. I tried so hard for people to like me. And at night, most of the time, in high school. I'd cry myself to sleep. "Why am I so stupid?", "Why can't I just be cool?", "Why did I have to say that?", "Why do I care so much?". "Why does every guy I like, fall for my best friends?", "Was she right when she told me that I'm not pretty enough to have a boyfriend?","Why do other girls only wanna hang around me because of my brother or to get close to his friends?", "Why do I let people walk all over me?". I'd think way too much about everything, over analyze, and after a good cry, I finally fell asleep. 

And sure I may seem strong and tough on the outside at times. I still catch myself asking you girls if I look cute, when we go out. I still catch myself crying over stupid boy shit that I know is stupid, and i still battle with insecurities every day. Not so much anymore. Once you believe a truth, there's no going back. I believe that I'm beautiful inside and out. I'm happy with who I am, who I became, who I was, and who I'll grow up further to be. I'm the woman I've always dreamed of becoming. I'm comfortable with my body. And one day I hope you come to that realization about yourself. It will turn your life around from a dark dark place.

If a guy can't see what's right in front of him, his loss. Don't let dudes walk all over you, use you, and manipulate you. But at the same time, don't be afraid to let the good ones in. I know it's hard to open yourself up to people, we've both been disappointed with dudes in our lives who've turned into people we didn't know about until it was all said and done. You gotta keep your feet moving, one step at a time, one battle, one day at a time. And know that if you didn't wake up tomorrow. You'd be missed all the time, you were unconditionally loved, and appreciated for who you were. You brought happiness to the world, and left your mark. Live your life. Not someone else's. Fight, fight, fight, and hold on for dear life. Enjoy the ride. 


Love you S,

you beautiful thing you.

Shan.