Diapers to whiskey and lemon.

Honestly,

Today I'm on a roll. Sitting in bed, bored, itching to go out, after my 7th oral operation for nice teeth. They buried my top implant screws so they would heal nicely, and yesterday, friday the 13th, they exposed them. Put some healing caps on, stitches, and I was asleep for all of it. So don't worry, it wasn't as big as the jaw surgery I had 4 years ago. All the mini stuff is a piece of cake. 

So, it's been 7 years to get to this point, the last stage, until I get teeth caps on my implant screws. Ontario Health Insurance doesn't cover genetic disorders. And even if mine is as mild as they come, trust me, I've seen the severity. As I waited for the doctor to diagnosis me at Sick Kids for the Clavate and Palate program. Ontario considers what I've had to get done as cosmetic. Which is true. And I don't have any problem admitting that I went through all of this for a better outlook on myself. I've found a new confidence because of the new smile. And here I am. A better person. Pouring out my heart and soul to strangers. It's kinda wicked. To go from one thing to the other. So since I've had so much time on my hands this weekend. Getting stiff back and neck from being in bed most of the day. I decided to dedicate the rest of this blog to the other S. 


Dear S bear,

We grew up two doors down from each other. I think the moment we met, there was this unspoken law that our friendship was only going to get better. We had no idea it would get us today because we were kids. It wasn't shocking though that our friendship would grow stronger. And even if we went to different schools, or you off to Ottawa for college. Me, doing my thing. Again, just like the other S, we'd always pick up where we left off.  No stone unturned. No dream too big. 

The reason why I call you the lucky charm of the trio is because you make your own luck. Things just kinda fall in your favor, but not always on its own. People just generally love you for the awesome person you are. You're like a bug zapper, bugs just wanna hang around you. Sometimes the bad ones get zapped, but they had that coming to them. No one messes with you. Not on my watch, either. And even if they tried you're brothers and sister would run after them with hockey sticks. 

Although, you do just get lucky. I still can't wrap my head around how fast and easy it happens for you. It's just so awesome. You deserve all of the nice, happy, awesome, surprising, lovely luck you get. And mainly because together we've gotten pretty lucky. I've gotten to experience things that I never thought would ever happen. Nor would I want them to happen with out you. It's just not the same. And then we get the other S involved and it's trouble. It's fun. It's a forever thing. It's something we can sit back and tell our kids. Watch them discover the world like we did. 

I've gotten to meet some real, sweet, interesting, crazy, and great people that have crossed our paths. We've always been in the same friend group. With newport and intertwining groups. And I've always admired you for your free bird vibe. You do exactly what you want, when you want it, and you don't let anyone hold you back. You truly live for today. I guess we've always had that in common, you just find epic ways to do it. 

You're a rocket. It's no secret. 

I always enjoy our random bursts of song, dance, and all the funny, crazy things that happen in between. But most of all I can proudly call you a baby sister, even though we're not too far apart in age. We've all gotten closer to each other this summer. And it's going to be a tough summer to beat, but I'm sure we'll find an adventure to talk about for years. You are totally someone I could go to or tell anything too. You always have great advice, and have no problem calling me out on my shit. And everyone should be as lucky as I am, having someone like you in their life. You're family is my family, and my family is your family. Just like my house is your house, your house is ...well your doors are always open. And the same with my fully stocked pantry. I can't think too much into the future, but I know it's full of amazing opportunities, and new exciting things (luck). You're an amazing friend. You've been through a lot loosing your aunt. I know how much she meant to you. The glue. And it's interesting cause you're the glue to the trio. 

See ya soon in Ottawa ! 

believe it.

Honestly, 

I'm the Taylor Swift of blogging. 

And I don't give a care. There are no shits given on this day. And it's not looking good for the future either. 

This...this...right here is my diary. This is as raw, real, and crazy as it gets. By now, if you've been following me you know how my relationships with guys go. It's hit and miss. With that being said. I'm single. We all go through those moments where you want someone awesome next to you in your bed. You miss waking up in someone's arms. You miss breakfast and everything else in between. But being single is a choice, my choice, it has it's ups and downs, perks and cons, ect. It means that I'm not ready for anything serious cause as much as i'm a believer in putting everything i have on the line for a special dude ( even like this blog), i'm still in fear of the obvious. No one wants to get hurt, but it happens. Although it could be avoided with honesty, open communication, trust, and respect. It's just a reminder to be careful and mindful. To take what i've learned, what I know, what i've experienced, and keep walking on. Something great will stop me and we'll go through the cycle of new and exciting all over again. 

So I made the mistake of going back and reading what I've written on here. It brought out some insecurities of me over analyzing ( as usual) that  i'm obsessed, desperate, and in love with love. And then I got writers block. And well after that I joined some dating sites. 

From doing that I've learned quickly what sites are useful and genuine. And what sites to avoid. However, no...I didn't pay for any of the services. Quite frankly, if I had the money I would. And I'm working full time, if that doesn't tell you something, i dont know what will. I also have a travel fund that was wiped clean since my Alberta trip, and I got the travel bug. Bite me.

 So maybe it wasn't the full true experience? But it opened my eyes for sure. I narrowed it down to OKcupid. My profile is 100% who I am and I added in I write a blog. So some of the messages I've been receiving have been pretty amazing. Guys whom actually seem interested. Write me detailed messages, some blown away that i'm even single. Very flattered thanks. So really that means, shit she's either amazing and my fellow sex is blind, or shit she has issues. hahaha. Who doesn't?! But thanks for the compliment. Ok I'm a little ...kinda....sorta...a big deal. Ok sorry. let's bring my ego down. Confidence just comes out and says hello and gets carried away. 

In addition, since i've mentioned about the blog writting. I've had guys super curious about what I write. And well. I went back and read my posts to try and grasp exactly what I do. I do me. But what they read is my ups and downs with dudes. It seems like I get around. Which. Sorry i don't. And shit I shouldn't have read back on that. A lot can change. I hit a dry spell. Pun indended. I'm cool with it. Silence is nice. hahahaha. I can write about other things, I'm in the know! 

So now that I got that out of the way. Beating my insecurities one bad villian at a time. Now. I can get to the good stuff. Back to being a Taylor Swift. And owning it just like her. Cause lemme just finish...Preach! She's done freaking well for herself. She's not that older then me....and she has mansions. Platinum albums. Awkward cute dancing. She doesnt have parents telling her she cant play sports cause it will ruin her metal mouth. That's my parents. Will I play beach volleyball anyway...uh hell ya. She writes her feelings, she sings about dudes and she does her own thing. And I clearly can relate to that. Am I still critical of some of her work? Yup. Do I have critics? Yup. People on Youtube are just mean. The reality is....1 person loves you and 10 people hate you. Thank you Avril. And I'm here to tell you...IF YOU CANT TAKE THE HEAT GET OUTTA THE KITCHEN. 


Dear S

You know which one you are. 

Girl. We've grown up together. You moved away. We lost touch a bit. And then this past New Years Eve we've picked up were we left off. You complete the trio of S. Me, the other S, and you. There is no trio without you. And honestly. I had no idea you even knew about my blog. I had no clue you've watched my dance videos. I mean I put it out there. Post on twitter and my link is in my instagram name. But shit. No one pays attention...then all of then sudden. "Ya you're stuff is amazing." My god, exactly what I needed to hear. Especially from my best friend whom I look up to and call you a sister. Then to know that you love them. Man that gave me the biggest pat on the back. Having you and the other S read out some of the words I've written the other week. Laughing and loving it. Made me feel like I'm on top of the world. Solidified that what I do on here, means something, and actually has value. So, because I know you're gonna read this...And I hope you come back to this whenever you want. This one's for you. ( other s, I haven't gotten to you yet but I will, sit tight kitty). 


S.

You are an amazing person. And every time you beat yourself up about the way you look, it kills me. I know you don't believe it yet, but you are beautiful, inside and outside. And If I have to repeat this over and over and over to you. I will. Until you get it. Until you see what the ones who love you see. Someone who has a huge heart, who's shy, down to earth, funny, the light in a room, and always up for an adventure. Someone I know will be there for me no matter what, right, wrong, good, bad, sick etc. Someone who is smart and compassionate. You've been through a bit in your life. Probably more bumps in the road then I've yet to experience. And yet here you are, stronger then ever. 

I know you've had to deal with things that I couldn't even begin to understand. You held yourself together when it felt impossible. You're the rock in your family. Kim is so lucky to have you as a daughter. I know it was rough for a few months with your mom. And yet she pulled through. She made it. She beat it. And it took an army but it started with her family. You never gave up hope. It was hard watching you all go through that. It was hard seeing someone whom I've come to know as another mom, a close family member, and friend, go through all of that. Saying I love you when I drove away, wondering if it would be the last time. She always had a smile on her face. The same smile I know you have too. 

You are more then enough. You are exactly what a best friend is. And when you ask me to be honest with you. If you look ugly, fat, gross...I can't. You aren't those things. And you know I can't lie. I'm too honest. I wish you could see what I see. I wish I could smack it out of you sometimes. And even then it may not do enough. It's something that you have to believe on your own. It's something you have to teach yourself and remind yourself, good days and bad days.


Hey. I know you look up to me. I know that you see me as self confident, high self esteem, don't give a shit what others say about me, do what I want, dress how I want, and nothing holds me back. But it wasn't always that way. I guess it kills me inside when you're hard on yourself, because so was I. I tried so hard for people to like me. And at night, most of the time, in high school. I'd cry myself to sleep. "Why am I so stupid?", "Why can't I just be cool?", "Why did I have to say that?", "Why do I care so much?". "Why does every guy I like, fall for my best friends?", "Was she right when she told me that I'm not pretty enough to have a boyfriend?","Why do other girls only wanna hang around me because of my brother or to get close to his friends?", "Why do I let people walk all over me?". I'd think way too much about everything, over analyze, and after a good cry, I finally fell asleep. 

And sure I may seem strong and tough on the outside at times. I still catch myself asking you girls if I look cute, when we go out. I still catch myself crying over stupid boy shit that I know is stupid, and i still battle with insecurities every day. Not so much anymore. Once you believe a truth, there's no going back. I believe that I'm beautiful inside and out. I'm happy with who I am, who I became, who I was, and who I'll grow up further to be. I'm the woman I've always dreamed of becoming. I'm comfortable with my body. And one day I hope you come to that realization about yourself. It will turn your life around from a dark dark place.

If a guy can't see what's right in front of him, his loss. Don't let dudes walk all over you, use you, and manipulate you. But at the same time, don't be afraid to let the good ones in. I know it's hard to open yourself up to people, we've both been disappointed with dudes in our lives who've turned into people we didn't know about until it was all said and done. You gotta keep your feet moving, one step at a time, one battle, one day at a time. And know that if you didn't wake up tomorrow. You'd be missed all the time, you were unconditionally loved, and appreciated for who you were. You brought happiness to the world, and left your mark. Live your life. Not someone else's. Fight, fight, fight, and hold on for dear life. Enjoy the ride. 


Love you S,

you beautiful thing you.

Shan.

I want crazy.

Honestly,

I already typed out a full version of my trip and had to stop myself. I can't begin to describe how amazing Alberta really is. But, a good part of me doesn't want to ruin it for you. I strongly suggest you get out west as soon as you can. It's all worth it. Every penny ! I also advise you to go the hostel route if you plan on visiting the great AB. And I'm not being biased because my cousin works at the HI- Lake Louise Hostel. You honestly, will love it.


I did a lot considering I was traveling with family, two young kids, a dog ( at times), cousins, a wife, an aunt, and long road trips. It was at times a little stressful but no experience is like the movies. And that's ok. It also didn't matter because I was having an amazing time no matter what the circumstance was. We didn't get to to do it all. But it's impossible. You literally need to take at least a month off to do as much of it as you can. Even my cousin says that he never runs out of things he could do. And he lives/ works there. Everyday was a challenge but rewarding, fun, exciting, and relaxing. I took everything we did and made the best of it. I went to bed with a smile and woke up early to start the day with a smile.


Being my outgoing, bubbly, energetic, fun, live for the moment self. Naturally, I met some awesome people. Every night at the hostel they put on a social activity. For an example, one night is bonfire night, another pool night, and another movie night etc. These activities are designed for people to make connections with others whom are from all over the world. And also make friends or hiking partners. Some people come to the hostel alone, some in groups, and even some in wedding parties. And if I'm being honest, I wanted to hang out with peers around my age, since all day I'm with my family. I like being independent and well...I needed a break at times.

So I went to a bonfire, almost every night before it was time to leave. So maybe like 3 times that week. Out of these three times. One person remained consistent. He's french. 28 years old. From Quebec/ Vermont area. He met up with some other french hikers in a group and like me wanted to find people his age. He was with an older group and they called him the master chef. Apparently he's a good cook.

I'm going to call him Brooks. And not because of the bachelorette. Just because if he reads this one day, or I read this to him one day. I only want him to know this part is about him. But because I'll never know if he ever does. The rest of you will know him as Brooks. And I can now write freely about him.

Brooks,

For someone who is fluent in french, but understands english and can kind of keep an english conversation going. That in its self is awesome.

You made me laugh, you teased me, you smiled at me, you just have this way of bringing the old me back which I thought I didn't want to happen. However, when you do it. When you make me blush, vulnerable, desperate to find you on my last day there, anxious, excited, not wanting to give up; it's an amazing feeling. I wasn't looking for a last minute kiss. I really just wanted to climb some mountains. But then you happen. You with your sexy body, glasses, smile, hands, lips, chest, and I just...can't stop thinking about...that night.

I was in the mood to drink some cheap beer. You walked off to the beer store and I walked to my room to change into comfy clothes. We met at the fire and also met a girl from Switzerland. You and I and her drank all your stellas. Then it was time to put out the fire. By this time, you have already touched my face, made me blush, told me how cute I am, and I don't think I've laughed that much until that night. We listened to songs  and I sang (drunkenly). We went into the hostel kitchen and drank the last two beers. Talked, listened to more music, and then Switzerland girl announced she was going to bed. However, when you went to the washroom. I asked her if she thought you liked me. And she said you did. That you are cute/ good for me. And I agreed, obviously.


You sat back down, we said goodnight to Switzerland. And I turned my body next to you. I anticipated you would eventually kiss me. I wanted you too. I didn't want our night to end. I didn't want to go to bed without knowing what it would be like to kiss you.

You touched my face, caressing my jaw with your thumb.

"You're very cute when you do this..." I wasn't sure what I did. I didn't really care. I just knew what I wanted to happen...was going to happen. You leaned in and kissed me. I felt your beard. But i didn't care. I kissed you back and couldnt stop. I didn't care if there was a random girl at the next table typing on her computer. I then said something like this:

"I want to cuddle." I blurted out.

"Yes, just sleep. "I gave you a look which made you laugh. "Not sex." you and I laughed. I blushed a little. I already thought about what that  could be like, but you are a gentlemen. And genuinely tired.

We walked to your room and couldnt keep our hands off of each other. You then told me you are sharing a room with three other dudes. I giggled and so did you. I put my lighter ( for the fire), phone ( which was dieing so i shut it off), and room key on the window ledge. By that time you were stripped down. I just assumed boxers. I had so many layers on, but I got into bed. I guess I wanted to see how long it would take for me to get down to sports bra. It didn't take too long. Especially when you are so affectionate, gentle, sweet, and cuddly. It also got kinda hot so I had to take layers off.

When I laid there for a moment. You were kissing my back and so close to my body. You had your arms around me, thumb was curiously tracing my sports bra, and I could feel your eyes on me. I turned around. I wasn't as curious but we were only rubbing, kissing, whispering, giggling at the sounds his room mates made. And just enjoying our time, laying there, smiling, grinning, wanting to sleep, but obviously there was a spark. I know how hard it was for you to sleep beside me. I couldn't fall asleep. I was also worried my aunt would wake up and wonder where I was. I kissed you goodnight and told you to wake me up in the morning.


Well you didn't. Which was fine. But I freaking thought about when I was going to see you again all day and all night. It was my last night there. I was around the bonfire and I was always on the look out for you. I wasn't mad or annoyed. I was having a great time talking, joking, meeting new people, and even a wedding party from Ontario. A german dude taught me how to open a beer. It was pretty sweet. But he wasn't you and had a girlfriend.

I went to sleep, woke up and that day went to Yoho field. Came back. I walked around pretending not to look for you but I was. I even left a note for you with the awesome front desk girl. And before I gave up completely. I checked the kitchen one more time. I recognized two of your hiking partners. I asked her where you were and she said the washroom. I got butterflies. I could get your facebook and number! I could keep in contact! I could....kiss you again?

We chit chatted for a little, no one was really around, and I knew how silly I looked. I looked crazy. I already like you at this point. I already thought about visiting you. I already tried but failed at stalking you on facebook. And now here you are. After the last minute searching. I didn't want to say goodbye. I blurted out things like:

"I thought about you all day."

I mumbled and was sweaty. And you were so calm and collected. It worried me then that what we had was a one time thing. Then I told you I was leaving to go home to ontario soon. You're face fell a little. And then I knew. It wasn't just a one time thing. And I know that when you go away, meet people, and be intimate with a person. There is a great chance that their attitude is that it was only a one night thing and nothing will ever come from it. That it's no big deal. To forget about it because you'd be crazy wanting to drive 8 or more hours to see someone you kissed once.

But you are different. I'm curious about you. I'm interested to know what would have happened if I stayed one more night and you got a private room. Well I know. We all know. You know. We wouldn't be sleeping. hahaha. And then you'd make me crepes or french toast in the morning.

By the way you still owe me.


So I texted you, added you on facebook, and had a huge smile knowing that I got everything a girl could get out of my trip. I caught up on big brother on the plane home. Couldn't get a wink of sleep in because my body is still on western time. I knew I was going to write about you in my blog. You were an unexpected surprise. You made miss home and miss alberta at the same time. You made me wonder.  You made me or well i guess I did. Analyze, like we girls do. You made me feel. Alive. 22.

I woke up this morning from a text from you.

And now all i want is crazy.

P.S. I'm not done with you Alberta. Next year? I got a mini job promotion but it will go along way.

Brooks,
beaseame.

Power

Honestly,

There's a definition for Power. I can go to google, type it in, and a generated answer appears before me. A definition. But I'm a sucker for being creative. So I'm going to go ahead and define what I think power is. Let's just say, I saw a movie just now called, "Beautiful Creatures" and I am over the moon (spoiler? hehehe) inspired.


Power for me is an abstract. It has it's real meaning, which holds true. But for me I look at it and I try to shape it, reflect, and put it to personal use.

Power is within us, as much as it is universal, cultural, apart of our history, and connected to ideas, meaning, and human nature. It is the thing within us, other then our metaphorical heart, and mind that is a driving force. It's will power, it's self power, it's physical, emotional, psychological...power.

Often our power can be manipulated. It can be taken away. And well it happens to bring out the worst in people. It is seen with negative intentions because people let it become dark. Power has created so many issues, hurt so many people, driven people mad hungry over it, but when they have it...use it to destroy others. Use this type of power to be that guy at the party who's has that attitude that his dick is bigger then everyone's parts in the room.  Even girls private parts. He wants everyone to know that he's tough shit. When really...he hides behind that attitude because he has insecurities he doesn't know where to start to, even deal with them. There's a scared boy who looks like a man but hides behind his power. Hides behind that thing that makes him seem like a dick. He acts like a dick because it's a pattern. And maybe he gave up trying to find who he really is....


or maybe he's just a dick.

Everyone has power. And it's that thing that makes you stand up for yourself. It's that energy, the vibe, the mentality that drives you to work. You have authority, you obey authority and respect it.  Power teaches you to stay positive. Even if you are at your lowest. It says, don't give up. It's that second after you think about killing yourself, that says, "that was stupid, I don't want to die." You don't want to die. You want to live until you see your grandkids and maybe their grandkids. And that's power. That's what makes you motivated to finish that essay you've been putting off. You know that at the end of the school year, you will get that degree or whatever you just accomplished. You did it. All on your own.

Power is positive.


It's that moment after you tell someone you love them. It's that second or two where you feel like you can do anything. You are Batman right now. Alfred nodded at you and smiled. And cat woman is seated directly in front of you. And you are alive. You don't fear a thing. But fear comes and decides it can take things away from you. It causes you to do things, say things, act a certain way, and often it causes you heartbreak. Well fuck fear! Don't let it hold you back! That's power. That voice saying, I'm amazing and beautiful. You don't need a girlfriend or boyfriend to make you happy. YOU make yourself happy. YOU are the reason people smile when they see you. Want to be around YOU. Because you have that spark inside you that is powerful. It can save the world. YOU are BATMAN.

Power is passion and dreaming and taking risks. It's knowing you will make a mistake. But it's knowing you can make it better or that you will evolve. You will grow, love, and feel an emotional roller coaster. But it's all worth it at the end of the day because tomorrow is coming. Even if it isn't coming. You can feel it. And that's power.

You are loved. Love is power given to you and it's your job to spread it out to as many loved ones as you can. Power makes you think. It can be tricky, dark and twisty. But if you are hungy for the right kind of power. It rewards you. It has rewarded me with an eye opening experience and is the reason for these words of wisdom.

Power is war. A war against everything. Every conflict you can think of in a book. Yourself, others, religion, sex, the world, etc. And you win the war. By being yourself. And keeping one foot in front of the other, even if you have to army crawl. YOU know. YOU just know. YOU are powerful. YOU are meaningful and you matter to everyone around you. And knowing. And knowledge of power....will make you strong. Make you believe. And you should believe in yourself.

Start with knowing...power is a spider web placed in the middle of it. And everything connected to you, vibrates when you move. YOU are that important. YOU catch your prey, you savour every bite, you are grateful, lucky, and deserve it. You deserve power.


But with every power you hold comes great responsibility

( see what I did there)


Be safe on this lovely friday.
I expect you use your powers for good.
If not.
No ones perfect.
But don't hurt anyone.

Be nice.
Smile.
Life is a chapter that ends and then begins.

Tomorrow is coming !

YOU ARE POWER !

Dancer for life.

Honestly,

Help a chick out ?


This is my channel on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/user/somewhereoutthere007

This is my gifts to you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ykxjvu3a3yM

#Brittswish

7 days until I'm 22

6 days until my one week trip to Lake Louise, Alberta.

SO FREAKING EXCITED

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OH EM GEEEEEEEEEE !

On a serious note.


All I ask is you share my dance videos as much as possible. I'm trying to get Justin Bieber's attention. So he can meet Brit who suffers from spina bifidia. She's 16. It's her dieing wish for JB to say hi to her. But I want to get them in the same room.

And since we are being honest. BE NICE. I'm in no way a professional dancer. And my videos are all freestyle. Moves you would probably see at the club if you were dancing beside me.

I put a lot of love into these videos. All I want is positivity, a nap, video views, video shares, love, water, and to make this girls dream come true. Out of everything I want her dream to come true SO SO BAD. I'm legit willing to embarrass myself to do it. NO effin ducks  (see what i did there? Trying to keep it PG) are given though.


thank you for taking the time out to read this today!

Enjoy!

Love,

-Shan

Stay Beauts.

Why?

Honestly?

Why?

Why do I got to be so weird sometimes? I mean, I've embraced it. I love who I am, all that jazz, and shitting rainbows.

But seriously?

When it comes to attractive dudes who I'm interested in. I just get weird.

Like tonight, I asked a guy if he wanted to hang out. BUT NO ! I had to go in this hugeeeeeeeeeee weirddddddddddddd ranttttttttttt. Why Shannon? He legit thinks you are a crazy person? Why did you have to eat the last packet of dunkaroos? Why are you so hyper right now ? Why ?

Frankly, I'd also like to know...why you are with someone...or sorry in an open relationship...with someone. Who you feel like....you have to keep him interested. And why are you venting on here and not him? HE'S ASLEEP! IT'S 2 AM in the morning you cray person!



I got my period today.

That's why.

But usually...I am weird. And thanks to the new episode of "Suits" tonight. It caused me to over think. I had to get into a debate with a guy I used to like, over what could happen next with the show. Key word: used to like. I crushed on this guy so hard. Correction: I crushed hard on a lot of guys over the span of about 4 months. And none of it has gone well.

One guy I met through this chat site i've been pretty much a regular on for 4 years. He liked me for awhile and I was oblivious until he came clean. I always had a tiny thing for him but I just assumed he wasn't into me. He has admitted he is emotionally awkward...so...I only found that out, when he told me, once we started really talking. Then I really liked him. Then some unfortunate news on his end and I had to kinda get over him. He made me realize a few things. I was crushed for awhile. And ya I cried over it. Hormones, happen. And it sucks. On the flip side we're still great friends. He may come visit canada or may not. But that's huge. It's a huge deal cause he was so against visiting Canada since he's not from here. I'm keeping him a mystery because if he reads this one day. I'm sure he will figure out that this part is about him. And I'm sure he would be sooooo sooo pissed if I mentioned anything more. Or hinting at, or revealing his true identity. He has a trust issues with the internet, which I get. And I'm super careful. ANYWAYS! We skyped the other night. I want things he doesn't want. I'm a risk taker. I'd go see him in a heart beat. If only he'd do the same. Honestly, never know with this one.


And then there's the open relationship guy. How come I feel like I have to keep him interested? And the fact that he's ADD HD is not an excuse. And it's not the reason either. It's this insecurity I have within myself that's saying...."he's going to get bored of you and find someone else who will keep him more interested." And I know he likes me. I know he doesn't want a monogamist relationship. And to be honest, things are great between us. Better then they ever have been. And now I wonder...just...ponder. Why I feel this way? And what should I do about it? Other then mention this to him. Maybe he can put my mind to ease? Maybe I will end things with us? But I don't want to. I like things the way they are. But do I really? Do I really? If I feel this way? I guess I need reinsurance. I guess I like attention and really I just want him to tell me why he likes me? And then I think....you sound like the old Shannon who cared about little ity bity things that she can't control. So my conclusion, still is...why? But the answer is nothing.

That question can't be answered. It's supposed to make you think. And often it makes you over think. Which lead me to venting it all out on my blog. Maybe ADD  guy and I ...just aren't meant to be. Maybe I'm punching shadows? Maybe..well...I am over thinking. And yet if I continue to feel like I have to keep him interested so he won't find someone else. Maybe it isn't him. It's me. And if it's that. I should step back. Sometimes you gotta look out for number one. And I'm not about to strike out when I know a fast ball is coming.

And another thing. I ask out guys to hang out. It hasn't worked yet. I have really bad luck.

I asked this guy out, like for coffee or ice cream. He replied that he didnt do either. Then some where along the conversation he revealed a complicated relationship he's in. But he's been single for a month. Opps.

I asked this guy out tonight. Turns out he's in the process of dumping someone he's been seeing. Great.

I like a guy, on the internet, whom I've never shook hands with, and all I want to do is go over there and lay in his arms and stuff.

I go on a light date with a guy who I met at the bar. Turns out he was taking his sister to a Taylor Swift Concert. The same one my friend and I went to. So my friend offers to drive him and his sister home. Which we do. The whole time we're texting each other. He asks me out. We go to the beach and play our guitars. He even walked up to the door and met my parents. He even picked me up and drove me home. Why cant men be like that...all of them? Anyways, I wanted to kiss him. I was, and then I thought. He's going to camp to work. I stopped myself. But I did get a raincheck on ice cream from him. We some what keep in contact. But deep down I still want to kiss him. And I wish he wants to kiss me too. I also want to see him with his shirt off. Bless me for I have sinned ! Guilty as charged this guy is hot. And I want. But he's 3 hours away, and there's girls who are like two feet away from him at all times. He's a total catch.

I used to see this guy. Now we rarely talk. Think it's in the stinker.

This guys gave me his number. talked for a couple hours. then i figured out he knows my ex. And I mentioned it to him. And now its weird. Way to go Shan, smooth moves. So he made plans to cook me dinner. Now not a peep.

Used to see this guy from college. We still chat it up on face book. But he hates a chase. I'm a control freak how's this gonna work? DAMN YOU.

I wanted to make out with a friend of mine on saturday night. My other friend said to grab his face and do it. I got a good old rejection. Friendzoned.

friendzoned. friendzoned.

And guys wonder why us girls don't ask guys out. And now I know how it feels to be a guy when they ask out girls.

I'm gonna blame it on luck.

WHY!

demons

Honestly,

I sit here, on my bed, and I contemplate just about everything. However, there’s only one thing that I want to address. Bully.

I bullied myself. I was in high school, it was before I hit a meltdown and the beginning of a transformation.

I’m a people pleaser/ person, caregiver, giver, lover, fighter, etc. I’m that girl, in that friend group, that would break up a fight in a gas station. I’m that girl, in that friend group, that gets along, generally with everyone, I’m outgoing, life of the party, positive, listener, advise giver, I’m open, blunt at times, often has no shame, always says something embarrassing, no filter, and no I don’t pooh rainbows (if I did, puppies would be at the end of the rainbow and money to invest into college for my kids (when I have them)). You’d never know these things about me, but since I told you, it begs the question to as why I bullied myself in high school? 

I tried so so so... hard. I tried soooo hard for people to like me. For people to stay. For people to love me. And it wasn’t to love me for who I am. It was the front I was putting up. What I didn’t know is that people liked me for all the things I didn’t or wanted to changed or wished I was different. I was so blind to see that I’m amazing the way I am. The only person I wasn’t convincing was myself.

I make mistakes, I say the wrong thing, I do the wrong thing, I make bad decisions all the time. And I wasn’t a nice person to myself. So.. ya I bullied myself. I spent a lot of nights crying myself to sleep, wondering why i said this, or did this, or should of did this when I had the chance. Why I didn’t stand up for myself if someone teased me. Why didn’t I stand up for myself until just last year? Why did it take me so long to figure it out?

And then more questions? How could someone bully someone else? Is it because they were bullied? Is it because there isn’t enough being done? Not implying that no one is doing anything because a movement is happening.

I’m just thinking out-loud. I’m thinking, that if I continued to bully myself…if I would have bullied others? I mean, I did outcast myself for a couple years. I’m not sure if that affected my so called friends, cause I was mad at the world. Really they’ve been here the whole time, and still today. I then think, what if I turned into a mean person to deal with my insecurities? What if I turned to drugs? Got pregnant? Drank orange juice and vodka in my water bottle at school and ran away. Or tried to run away? What if I became a bully.

I know that my parent’s wouldn’t have any of that behavior. I’d probably be forced to see a shrink. And I know that the parents of bully’s must think I just judged them for their parenting skills. Maybe they don't even know their kid engages in bullying activities at school. I don’t think anyone is to blame for why someone becomes a bully, why someone bullies others, or why it happens all together. Maybe it’s to deal with something going on in a person? And there is so many ways to deal with conflict. It’s hard not to get stuck in habits or patterns or find the "easy" path. It’s easy to get stuck and lost if you don’t keep fighting that thing inside of you that isn’t ok. It’s ok, not to be ok. 

Crying is therapeutic. I did a lot of it. And don't even try to pull a fast one on me. I'm not sexist. Guys cry too. I wrote out everything in a journal. That was my go to. 

I wonder if I didn’t have a support system like I do, where I’d be? And then I think about the kids who don’t for whatever reason. I wonder, how society became so passive aggressive and apathetic? You know what? Bullies are victims to. Victims are victims. Teachers are victims. School boards are victims. I’m a victim. The list goes on for a school year. We all can point fingers and say who is  to blame. We can point to society. We can blame people for our problems. Or instead we can find new ways to help everyone. At the end of the day, WHAT or WHO, or anything is the cause of this? And i'm talking about digging under the surface here. Not just the family of the victim of bullying, but the family of the bully. Everyone is equal right? Everyone deserves love, kindness, respect, support, friendship, and hope.

Hope that one day, there will be solution. That there will be no kids taking their lives. That there will be less violence. I know it’s such a  “hypie “ thing to say or to believe. We’re so used to taking sides we forget we’re a community. We forget what it really means to be a friend.

 Someone who is there for you, when you are wrong, and when you are right. Someone who see’s you for who you are and loves you inside and out. Someone who would call you out on all your issues. Listen. Give advise and support. Treat you like family. Fight and make up. Disappoint you, and tell you “I hope the door hits your butt on the way out! It will snap you back into reality”…or something sweet like that.

I don’t know when it became "ok " or socially acceptable to call other people horrible names, and do horrible things to each other. By all means stand up for yourself and be heard. But why you gotta be so mean? Taylor Swift has it all right. Why would you be friends with someone, or stay with someone, or hang around people who don’t give two shits about you? Who treat you like shit? Walk all over you? Use you? Are they really what a friend is? Do they accept you. If not, you don’t need them.

I didn’t need that person I was. What I needed was a vacation. Thank you summer, right? Am I right? Suddenly it clicked that I wasn’t a good friend to myself. I gave myself a huge hug, did a lot of healing, got a lot of love, and let go of all that shit that thought it could bring me down and keep me there. When it lost, i won. Some where between braces, first love, heartbreak, and life…I changed. I became who I am today. I accept it and love it and will continue to be a better me.

I hope you can do the same for yourself.

I just hope that we don’t have to see anymore sadness.

I hope bullies find help.

I hope every type of victim of all kinds bullying find healing.

I hope I can offer enough love to feed children who aren’t.

It’s a sad world out there. I feel like there’s always shadows.

But there’s just as much light as there is shadows, and because of that...

I know tomorrow’s a better day.

I know I’m loved.

I know I’m strong and beautiful.

And a little bit crazy and weird.

I accept.

I accept the world and their flaws.

I will not accept a society that continues to hurt themselves.

That will change.

I believe it.